- I don't have custody of the kids. - Yeah.
- You know what? - I don't get custody.
It is an insane pathetic joke, what I've had to go through.
Right now, right now she doesn't know where the kids are, do you?
- Do not talk about me as a mother. - Are they at home?
I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother
- and what I've done wrong! - They at your sister's? Where...
they're probably at a firehouse somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
- with a fireman, you know? - Do not talk about that!
I am sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother!
- Are they at home? Are they at home? - Seven years I've been a good mother!
A perfect mother? I can't have custody.
Just remember when we went out. Just remember how you...
Right now. Where is Tim right fucking now?
Don't you talk about me being a mother. I hate you!
Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
- I told you this was a bad idea. - You know what, Ken?
A bad idea would be to let your client walk outta here today and drag
this thing out for another year, wasting more time and wasting more money.
The only good idea is to let me and John do our job
- and mediate this thing right here. - You wanna hear the crazy thing?
I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.
- Mm-hmm. - We settled the deal with the cars.
Let's see, that takes us to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!
- Those are mine. - I want them.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split 'em right down the middle.
- How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger? - It would be no-not good at all!
- I earned those miles! - Yeah, you earned them flying
- to Denver to meet your whore. - Oh, Lord.
Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually
- if that's what you mean. - She's a stripper, for God's sake!
- She is not! - Her name is Chastity!
She is white trash! Same as you.
Hillbilly!
That's it, go comatose for me, baby.
You shut your mouth when you're talkin' to me!
Hold it. This is getting confusing.
You didn't always hate each other.
There had to be some nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?
- Or the wedding? - The wedding had to be fun!
- You have your families together. - You have your decorations.
Families coming together. That's a nice moment.
- What'd you have to eat? - Crab cakes.
Are you kidding me? Crab c... how could you not have a good time
- eating crab cakes? I love 'em. - Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.
- They're phenomenal. - And did you have a band?
- Did you have a band? Good or bad? - Yeah.
Who gives a shit? It's a great band, it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
- It's good no matter what. - That's true. You got them...
- There's music in the air! ...playing "Shout" and you hate it.
- Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey - A little bit softer now
- Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey - Shout now, jump up and shout now.
It's a good time, do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. - Rubbin' up against each other,
just a couple of kids who like to fuck, trying to make it honest. I get it.
Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.
It's not realistic, it's crazy! Hey, don't do this
for the other person. It's about saying yes to yourself
- and saying yes to your future. - Say yes.
And have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love
to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.
And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity
without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
- God, wouldn't that be sweet? - Wouldn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy sweating all over you,
talking to you in languages you don't understand,
- needing you, wanting you, taking you? - All we're trying to say is,
put your swords away for a second.
Let's finish this and let's move on.
Get out there and get some strange ass.
Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?
Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.
Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.
He can have the miles.
Nah, sweetie, you take the miles.
Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done!
This is just semantics. If you guys want to throw a couple miles at us,
we'll take a couple. The big thing is, is that we're all movin' on.
Could you two just not talk anymore?
Oh, good, you got it. Is it 100% goose down?
- Yes. Why do you need this? - Are you sure?
I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Okay, that's not creepy.
I guess it is a little creepy
when a young man who happens to be an only child
loses both of his parents in a tragic accident
one month before his birthday
and then has a best friend make a vow
that he will never spend his birthday alone again.
Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. - No, you're really sweet.
I've got the perfect girl for you.
Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager
to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation
that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.
You're sitting there, you're wondering, "Do I have food on my face?
Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested?
I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested?
But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested.
But do I want to be interested? But now she's not interested."
So now, all of sudden I'm... I'm starting to get interested.
And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door?
'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night."
Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this,
and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.
Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?
It's very difficult trying to read the situation and all the while
you're just really wondering, "Are we gonna get hopped enough to make
some bad decisions?" And perhaps play a little game called "Just the Tip."
Just for a second, just to see how it feels,
- or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair." - Okay.
Okay, can... can you... can you put that so he... he can't see it?
And thank you. Hey, Janice. Great talk.
John?
I gotta see you right away, it's important.
What's going on?
We've got three really big weeks ahead of us.
It's wedding season, kid!
You sandbagging son of a bitch!
I got us down for 17 of them already.
Okay, now, how many of 'em are cash bars?
Great question, love where your head's at, and two of 'em actually are.
But... I got us covered.
Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.
Oh yeah, perfect.
We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies
that are so aroused by the thought of marriage,
that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
And who's gonna be there to catch 'em?
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?
- Mr. Grey. - Yes, um, the answer would be, um...
- wedding season? - Bingo.
I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now who are we this time?
Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
Oh, stop.
And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years,
we honor the eternal bond
that stretches through the ages.
I have known this couple for many years.
Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.
I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital,
and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.
Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah,
which those of you who were there
know it was not a very pretty sight.
But he has pulled himself together nicely,
and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.
- Okay. - He never got the courage
to ask her out, until 10 years later. Josh was in the emergency room,
and he saw Debra again
- and he said to himself... - Hi.
"Wait! That's the girl I'm going to marry!"
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Mazeltov!
Mazeltov, baby! From my family to yours, mazeltov. Beautiful.
¶ Hava nagila
¶ Hava nagila, ba ba ba!
Oh my.
You sly son of a bitch.
¶ Nagila, hava nagila ve'nismecha
¶ Hava nagila, hava...
Does anyone know what this here is used for?
- Rolling a fatty. - No, not...
not for... where'd you learn that?
You want to get a whole combination.
You gotta get the frostings in the middle and on the other end.
- Ba-ba ba ba - That's it, that's it, that's it,
that's it! Come on!
You both look beautiful up there today,
particularly Debbie in that white dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,
I don't think you're gonna be able to get away with wearing a white dress.
Here, I'll just pick this off,
I'll go grab another piece. That's it.
- Ooh! - Whoa.
In the words of the old country...
- L'chaim! - L'chaim!
Come here!
I want you to take this note, bring it to that blonde girl.
Hurry, 'cause I'm gonna time you. Go!
Hi.
Who gave this to you?
You know, I saw you at the wedding.
- And? - You were crying.
Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that.
Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
No, you were so sweet. Come here.
Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter,
- but that's not why I did it. - Weren't you scared?
Can I say yes?
- Sanjay Collins. - Chuck Vindaloo,
excited to be here.
- Shamus O'Toole. - Bobby O'Shea.
- And we're gonna get drunk. - Ha-ha!
¶ Keep it comin', love, keep it comin', love...
- Who is that? - Uh, him.
Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.
- Who is that? - That's Luigi and Gina's
son Christopher. You know, the banker.
Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.
The French Foreign Legion?
Yeah. We lost a lot of good men out there.
Wow, really? Mount Everest?
I just don't like to talk about it
because we lost so many good men out there.
Oh!
Lost so many good men out there.
Playing with the Yankees?
Yes, with the Yankees.
You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.
L... look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.
Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's-eye.
You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains?
- Mmm. - I think we only use 10% of our hearts.
I feel so tiny in your arms.
Really? How tall are you?
I'm 6'5", but...
I feel like I'm four feet.
And some poetry,
courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.
¶ You've been so good to me
¶ You know you make me wanna shout
¶ Kick my heels up and shout
¶ Throw my head back and shout!
- Kick my heels up and shout! - Yeah!
- Come on now, take it easy - Shout! Shout!
- Take it easy! Shout! - Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay- ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay- ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay- ay-ay!
- Hey-ay-ay-ay! - All right
- Shout! Shout! - All right
- Shout! Shout! Shout! - All right! All right!
- The bride! - Now, wait a minute...
All right let's go, let's go, let's make a memory!
What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water?
Great guy. He brought me along, too.
Jesus. Come on! Get in there. You can do it!
You want that cake! You don't treat cake like that.
- You gotta treat cake like a lady. - Give her a kiss. Look at that.
Oh my God, in front of all of 'em!
Ba ba ba. Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!
And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"
Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!
Hop in.
Now spread it around on each other.
We need a picture of this They're crazy!
Bacio! Bacio!
Time to party! Time to party!
Come on, we need a picture. Get a picture.
¶ You've been so good to me
¶ You know you make me want to shout!
¶ Lift my heels up and shout!
¶ Throw my head back and shout!
¶ Kick my heels up and shout! Come on now!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay- ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay- ay-ay!
- Hey-ay-ay-ay! - Ooh.
- Hot. - Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Hey-ay-ay-ay!
¶ Shout now! Jump up and shout now!
¶ Jump up and shout now!
¶ Jump up and shout now
¶ Everybody shout now, everybody shout now
¶ Everybody shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout, oh, shout
¶ Whoa! Shout!
¶ Oh! Shout shout shout shout!
¶ Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Oh! Shout! Come on, come on and shout!
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout shout
¶ Shout shout shout shout!
Oh, no no.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.
It's Vivian.
Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
I hope just 50, but who knows?
Ah.
Bet that blonde was a real shot of life.
Yeah, real shot.
You don't think we're being...
I don't want to say sleazy, 'cause that's not the right word,
but a little irresponsible, maybe?
No!
One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh,
say we were young and stupid.
Yeah.
A couple of dumb kids running around.
We're not that young.
Hell of a season, pal.
Hell of a season.
Oh! Baba ganoush.
What do we got?
Christmas come early.
- Secretary Cleary? - The Secretary of the Treasury.
The guy you loved since business school. Don't thank me.
I don't know. I mean, I thought the season was over.
I was looking forward to kinda taking a break for a little bit.
John, what are you talking about?
This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.
It's the Clearys. They're an American institution.
Pal, there's gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding.
Not to mention, if you look here, they've got three live bands,
they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food.
I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.
Oh, please don't take a turn to negative town.
What are you talking about? Who's getting negative?
Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner.
I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.
Rule #6:
Do not sit in the corner and sulk;
it draws attention to you in a negative way.
Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Please don't quote the rules to me, I know them.
When Chaz Reinhold passed the sacred rules of wedding crashing onto us
12 years ago, he gave us a legacy.
You make it sound like a cult, okay?
And from everything you've told me about Chaz, he sounds like a kook!
You bite your tongue. Chaz Reinhold is not a kook!
He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer!
He lived with his mother till he was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Erroneous! Erroneous.
Erroneous on both counts!
- Oh, Lord. Here we go again. - What you should be worried about
is not Chaz Reinhold, who is in the hall of fame.
What you should be worried about is you're getting sloppy.
Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb
and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time,
I gotta know that your head's right.
There is no room for error.
Secret Service. Consequences.
I love your enthusiasm.
If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.
I want it well planned.
He's back!
All right, partner. We'll start scheming tonight, okay?
- Sounds good. - If you need me, I'll be on line six.
Okay.
Could be fun.
- Wow. - Mr. Senator.
- Congratulations, Kathleen. - Thank you.
- Bill, congratulations. - Thank you, Senator.
Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.
That's the truth.
- Okay. Let's do our pregame. - What do you got?
A few articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies.
There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.
- Sailing? - Sailing's like sex to these people.
- They love it. - Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,
Mom's big with charities, blah blah blah.
Three daughters, one son. I get it. Good work.
Good.
Let me see that again, please.
Handsome.
Okay, what's our back story?
We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.
I'm sick of that!
Let's be from Vermont
and let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup.
I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes.
I love it on pizza. I like to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair
when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
It's the first quarter of the big game and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!
I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona,
but it's not Halloween! Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!
Look, we been to a million weddings.
And guess what? We've rocked 'em all!
Great day.
- The Eagle has landed. - The big show.
Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.
I like that.
No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.
Yeah?
The proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit outta me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?
I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.
- Tourette's. - Frank Myers.
John Ryan. Say hello to my brother Jeremy.
Hi, how are you? So, um, how do you know the groom?
- We are Uncle Ned's kids. - Mm-hmm.
Uncle Ned.
- Is he Liz's brother? - Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
How is everybody?
Well, Dad kinda putters around the house.
Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.
Uh, yeah, I know. Uh, ah...
she's dead.
From the grave.
She sends her best from the grave.
We've become extremely spiritual
- ever since she passed. - I see.
But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.
Lord knows we need family now more than ever.
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
How many times are you gonna do this shit?
Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative
unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.
Rule 16: Give me an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Rule #76: No excuses, play like a champion.
Hello, Red.
- Dibs. - She's all yours.
I ain't gonna fight you.
I think we've got a crier.
- No shot. - $20.
- Make it 40. - Done.
Oh, are you kidding me?
It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.
And now for our next reading,
I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria
up to the lectern.
$20, 1 Corinthians.
Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.
And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.
"Love is patient, love is kind."
As you all know, Craig and Christina
are quite the sailing enthusiasts.
In that light,
they have elected to exchange vows
which they themselves have written.
The ring.
I, Craig,
take you, Christina, to be my wife,
my best friend and my first mate...
through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.
I, Christina, take you, Craig,
to be my best friend,
and my captain...
to be your anchor and your sail...
Well, this is a first.
...your starboard and your port.
And now I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the first mate.
Sorry, just... just a sampler.
Told you this would be classy, right?
Yes, you did, class, first class all the way. You were not lying.
Class class class.
They've got some kind of seasoning on here.
It must be sprinkled.
Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party.
I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
If you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some
- 'cause I love the crab cakes. - Consider it done.
- Fondue set. - Excuse me?
The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set.
- John Ryan. - Claire Cleary.
Uh, so how do you know that?
Well... I'm a psychic.
You're psychic? Really?
Yes.
- What's that one? - Knife set. German. Very nice.
Hmm. And that?
- Cotton linens, Egyptian. - Ooh.
- What about that? - Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,
candlesticks, crystal stemware which they'll probably never use
'cause it's... crystal stemware.
- Okay, how about that? - This...
uh... massage oils and a book on tantra
from the wacky aunt.
Let's check.
- Who's it from? - Aunt Millie.
- Yes! - Well, you... you have a gift.
I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Well, you know, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker
you could, um, give 'em a hand.
- Claire, we need you for pictures. - Oh, okay.
- Who's your friend? - This is John Ryan.
Could I just have one more of the samplers here?
- Good. - What have we got?
Come back with some more stuff.
That's good, though. These bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.
Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.
Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl
you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?
- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. - No, no, don't panic.
We're gonna do #10 from the playbook. Here she comes.
Shlomo? I thought you were
renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal.
Shlomo, don't you remember me?
Oh my God, you didn't hear.
I'm so sorry.
Shlomo had a scuba diving accident.
Yeah, he came up too fast,
and the oxygen deprivation...
poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.
I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
You poor thing!
He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.
So you're here for the Clearys' wedding?
Oh, yes, yes,
but l-I have to leave.
- L-I've got a flight to Madrid, but... - Oh, you have to leave?
- Yes. - Oh, okay.
I could hang out for a few minutes.
Oh, actually, that won't be necessary.
Shlomo would now like me to take him
to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes.
So, yeah, no, that's o...
okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you
to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
You know what? Here is my number.
If there is anything I can do to help...
Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us.
We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
Doctor.
She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle.
I turned a corner. She's a part of it.
People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
Okay, so what angle you gonna play here?
I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal display for the kids,
and then when she comes close to check it out, guess who's a broken man?
- Haunted past, that's it. - Haunted past. Excellent.
- How about you? - I'm gonna dance with the little flower girl.
- It's all deadly. - Yes.
I'll see you in a little.
Final touch. There it is.
One happy elephant. All right.
Who else wants something?
I want a bicycle.
A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons
and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now
so why don't we do something like, uh... let's say a giraffe?
I just want a bicycle!
Why-why are you yelling at me?
Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
I'm gonna make you a bicycle.
But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!
Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.
I think I'm up to the challenge.
All right, will you save me a dance for later?
- Maybe. - Okay.
Go on, take it, you hyena.
Don't say thank you.
Hi. You're good.
That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a, uh,
exact replica of... to scale... of Wrigley Field.
- Ha! - Honest to God.
- I don't have anywhere to put it. - Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.
How about a dance?
That's what I really wanted.
So how long have you and the Secretary been married?
30 years next April.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.
- Hmm? - Enjoy the party.
Thanks.
Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.
- Hi, John. - I just wanted to tell you how much
I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
You've read my position paper?
I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
A sailor?
- Good man, take a seat. - Oh, thanks.
You didn't happen to catch my speech
on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?
Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.
Your argument for the inverse ratio
of capitalization to debt was genius.
Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.
Yes! Well put. "Shortsighted."
John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck
- and light up a couple of cigars? - Stogies?
- Yeah. - Why not?
It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there.
I'm sorry.
Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.
Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you.
I wish I were stronger.
Jeremy!
Jeremy, wait up!
- John, you seem like an astute man. - Thank you.
Maybe you can help explain something to me.
You see that young man out there on the dock?
- Sure. - That's my son Todd.
22 years old, the whole world in front of him,
every advantage in life,
advantages I never had...
that's not exactly true.
He had the same advantages I had,
which is a hell of a lot of advantages.
So here's my question.
What's he got to be so morose about?
Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.
Oh, he says he believes in art,
but all I've seen him do is
dribble his own blood on a canvas
and smear it around with a stick!
You know, some people call that art.
It's crap!
Whatever happened to public service,
obligation to our fellow man?
Well, maybe he's...
maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path,
I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.
Yeah.
Well, perhaps...
I should take it easy on him.
Perhaps.
Death, you are my bitch lover!
Todd, that's good!
Tell that mean ocean!
Oh, uh...
It's a start.
So you dove into the icy water?
I mean, why would a man risk his own life
for the life of a complete stranger?
The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer,
he said, at that moment
when a human sees another human in danger,
that there's this breaking in
of metaphysical awareness.
Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
- What? - That we're all one.
That separateness is
an illusion,
and that I'm one with everyone...
with the Prime Minister of England,
and my cousin Harry,
you and me,
the fat kid from "What's Happening!"
The Olsen twins,
Natalie Portman,
the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye,"
Nat King Cole,
Carrot Top
Jay-Z,
- Weird Al Yankovic... - Hmm.
Harry Potter, if he existed,
the whore on the street corner,
your mother...
- we're all one. - We are?
That my hands are your hands...
Oh...
and that my cheek...
is really your cheek,
and that my lips...
...are my lips.
According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
they are.
Well, the guy wants to run for President.
Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
Well, that's what I need. Claire...
Sorry to interrupt.
- Um, Christina wants to talk to you. - Fun's over.
- Yeah. - Funny.
- Franklin! - What a great guy.
You are a big hit at this wedding.
Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.
- They're all full of shit. - What?
Half of these people are here because of my dad.
They're all just, you know, suckling at the power teat.
No no. Come on, they're here because
they want to believe they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings, 'cause they wanna believe in true love.
What's true love?
True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Well, it's a little cheesy, but... I like it.
Uh, I saw it on a bumper sticker.
- So, you gonna give a toast? - Yes.
- Nervous? - Mm... little bit. Um...
What are you gonna say?
Would you?
You keep it in your cleavage.
Nowhere else to put it.
Normally, I'm not very good at these things,
but l-I think this one's pretty good.
"I never thought my sister would find someone
who cared about what other people thought as much as she did...
- until I met Craig"? - Yes!
That's funny! That's funny because it's true. You know, people like funny.
I know. But the whole funny-because-it's-true bit
only works if the truth is a small thing
like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop," Ha ha ha.
I think you're better off going with something from the heart, honestly.
I think that people are gonna like this.
I think you're gonna hear crickets.
- I thing you're wrong. - Sounds of silence.
- Nope. - Okay, go walk the plank.
- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it. - Go ahead.
Hey, meet me at the back of the room.
I'll be the guy waiting to say "I told you so."
Good luck!
And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,
um, Craig... oh, Craig.
Craig was the only one who still believed in me.
Been sober now for eight months.
And uh...
I thank God every day,
for sending me a friend like Craig.
I love you, man.
I never thought that my sister would find someone
who cared about what other people thought
as much as she did until I met Craig.
Uh...
Um... as you all know,
my sister and Craig are both lawyers
at big law firms in New York.
But that's not the only thing they have in common.
Um, they both like the color green
like Craig's eyes and money.
Um, uh...
you know, someone once told me that
true love is
the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something to be valued.
And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.
Uh, congratulations, Chris.
Ah! That was amazing!
It was really great.
We should probably head back so they're not lookin' for us.
I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
First time?
- You were a virgin? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.
I love you.
- I'm sorry? - I love you!
- You totally saved me. - No.
- Yes. - Claire, come on. Come here.
Mm!
Oh, baby, you were awesome.
- No. - Listen to me, awesome.
Okay.
Uh, John, this is... this is my boyfriend, Sack.
- Hey, fella. - How you doing?
Listen, we've gotta go meet the Schreibers.
Okay, was great to meet you. Thank you!
Boom, I gotcha!
Oh, great! Good to see you.
I've been looking all over for you. I gotta get outta here pronto,
- I've got a Stage Five clinger. - No no, I need more time.
Did you hear what I just said to you?
Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger? Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
I'm serious, let's go.
I don't think that you're appreciating the urgency here.
Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation.
I'm terrified of this broad.
- Here you are! - Hey! Gloria, wow!
What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises.
- This is John Ryan. - Oh, hi.
- Yeah. - So my family and a few friends,
we're all going back to our little place on the shore and it would be
- so great if you guys came. - Really?
- Sounds sort of wonderful. - I am...
well it does, it sounds... it sounds very nice.
But-but and I'm flattered that you would
even think of me to include me in something like that, Gloria. Thank you.
It kills me however to have to tell you I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.
- I won't be able to make it. - Why?
- It's gonna be so much fun! - It's gonna be so much fun!
I'm sure it will be fun for the... for the people that are going.
L-I unfortunately can't go. L-I don't have, um...
I only have this monkey suit.
- I don't have any clothes. - No, we have everything you need.
- Problem solved. Problem solved! - The problem's not solved.
- Deal us in.
Oh, cool cool cool! I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!
Hey, don't ask your dad! Don't ask your dad! Don't...
- The train's going. We gotta get on. - That's true. Why don't... why don't you
- just feed me to the lions? - What?
- Step on my head when I'm drowning. - What?
What a great friend. What do you mean, what?
John, this is completely against the rules.
You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period.
- There's no overtime. No! - Oh, no overtime?
What about the Chang wedding three years ago?
- Oh, that's bullshit. - Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
2:00 A.M., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick
play mah-jong with her grandmother at a retirement home.
Yeah, completely different situation.
- How? - What do you mean how?
She was a very very family-oriented girl.
And she was very into her grandmother. They're very family-oriented.
- Give me a break! - That was my first Asian!
- You better lock it up. - You better lock it up.
- No, you lock it up. Lock it up. - You lock it up. Lock it up.
Please! It would mean so much to me, please!
Look at the way he's looking at me.
I can tell he doesn't like me, John. He's the Secretary of the Treasury.
And to be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactly in line.
Oh, come on, you're being paranoid.
He's threatened by the way I dance.
Damn it! Why'd I have to go showin' off like that?
Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid!
You're not that good a dancer.
Oh, please!
You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer.
Now I know you're lying through your teeth!
You'll do anything to get me to go on this thing,
even if I have to walk right into the lion's den.
Gloria, come on!
You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.
She's like a kid at Toys R Us. I can't be around it.
Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people.
You take off the white wig, and you stop judging me.
I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.
- I need some alone time with her. - If you want to hang out with Claire,
the boyfriend and Cybill, by all means. I'm not going.
Let me lay it out for you in simple chapter and verse: You're going.
Let me break it down for you so you understand: I'll hold your hand like
- a small child. I'm not going. - Yes, you are.
You can go if you want. I'm... no, I'm not. No, I'm not.
You're gonna be a team player for once in your life.
- He'd love you to come. - Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!
- What do I do? - Baba ganou!
Okay okay. Home sweet home.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Come here, come here.
Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need 100% of Jeremy this weekend
and you're looking a little weird.
She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don't have
- any bodily fluids left in me. - Gentlemen, everything okay?
- Great! Yep. - Great?
You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football,
- you know. - Yeah?
- Cleary family tradition. - A little pigskin, why not?
- Great. - Don't forget to stretch, guys.
We're gonna be on the field in 10.
- Clothes fit. - Ooh.
I'm not even gonna say it, but you... you-you know I'm upset.
I know you are. I think you look good.
You know I don't look good.
Hey, honey!
I'm over here!
Are you ready? Are you ready for some football?
You want the noise brought on you? 'Cause here it comes.
- The what? - The noise brought on you,
- 'cause here it comes. - Just hike the ball, nut job.
Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
- Yes! - Ooh!
- Whoo! - Yes! Crab cakes and football!
- That's what Maryland does! - Nice one!
- A little out of shape? - Yeah.
- Way to bring it! - Way to anticipate that rush, man.
- No, I just saw you had it. - Hey, shut up!
You gotta anticipate that rush.
- Cool, no, of course I do. - You did a great job.
- What happened, Toast? - I think he's on steroids.
It was like trying to cover a fuckin' racehorse.
- Well, don't worry about it. - Get it up!
We'll burn 'em with the post.
No no. No, I got a better idea.
Look, I want you to fake the post,
throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know?
Gets them foamy. You think you can do that?
John, I was first team, all-state. I can put the ball wherever I want to.
I'll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17!
Blue 17! Red 17!
- Oh, you're gonna cover me? - Like white on rice.
All right, I like my odds here. I'm gonna give you a little warning,
- I'm going downtown. - Hot route!
Red seven, red seven, red seven!
Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
- John! Red seven! - What? I don't know
what "red seven" means. - Hot route!
I don't... w-what is "hot route"?
Will you just go stand on the other side, please?
Are you runnin' away from me?
- No! I'm just gettin' over here. - You scared?
- Down! - Come on!
Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Go, Jeremy!
Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!
Boo-ya!
That's what we call a sack lunch!
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
Ow! Bird.
Big tree fall hard, right?
How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.
Man down! We got a man down!
You okay?
Hey, is your brother okay?
What? Aw, he's fine.
I can't breathe.
- What's that? - I can't breathe.
No no no, I think he's really hurt.
Well, serves him right after that throw.
Hey! Baba ganoush!
I don't know... I don't know what got into me, Secretary, I just...
I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding.
- Your father used to pull... - I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- The same stunt when we were your age. - I can't breathe.
- Is that right? - You okay?
Great! You threw it perfectly!
Come on, get up!
- Don't oversell it. - I'm not selling anything.
Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.
Jeremy! Sit this play out.
Todd, come on in.
You must be joking.
It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports
once in a while, would it?
Well, would that make you love me?
Pfft. Jesus.
Hey, Jeremy, red moon dog 7-11!
42, 30-teen!
Hut one! Hut two!
Blitz!
Jeremy!
Hoo-ah!
Oh!
- Oh. - That looked like it hurt.
- I got you! - No, you didn't!
- You're cheating! Oh my God. - You're cheating!
- The only... - Your brother, he's down again.
What is his deal?
L... I don't know what's getting into me today, guys. It's just...
Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
What are you doing? It's a game of touch.
Every time I look over, you're on your ass again.
If I had any air in my lungs, I'd scream at you!
Oh, now you're gonna blame me?
'Cause you're not athletic enough to stay on your two feet?
I hate you.
Let's take a daiquiri time-out.
Daiquiris.
Oh!
Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?
- Sure, Mom. - Oh, don't baby him,
- it just makes it worse. - Oh! My back hurts.
Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?
You got everyone on you now? Get all the attention.
- It's hot out here. - Yeah, it is.
You should have played in your underwear.
I'll get you a drink.
Oh, Jesus Christ. It burns.
- Oh! Poor baby. - It stings. Oh, Jesus.
You want me to blow on it?
No. No no no. No no no.
No, I don't need any blowing. I'm good, I'm good.
- I'm... thank you. - Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
- Oh. Yeah. - That's right.
- Ooh, ah, oh! - Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.
Uh, yeah, that's fun, yeah.
That's fun. Okay, Gloria, could you just stop for...
That's funny, that's funny,
- that's funny. - Ahem.
Don't you worry, Miss Gloria.
- Mum's the word. - Thank you, Randolph.
A little more discreet, though, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Don't worry, he won't say anything.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
Just like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin,
and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to...
- to catch up with you here. - You do that to me. Ooh.
- Where's my little friend? - I do what... no no no.
- Where's my little friend? - He's tired. He's tired.
- Where's my little friend? - He's in time-out.
He's in time-out. Gloria, please! I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.
Dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon.
My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just... I'm not really in the mood for this.
Ow! Jesus Christ!
My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy.
I'm just another notch on your belt!
Wha... this is not like that. What are you talk... it's not like that!
Really?! Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?
- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait! - Huh?!
It's just that I'm feeling very strongly
that we're only starting to express ourselves
in a physical, sexual-specifically way.
That's it! Wait!
And I'd like to play some catch-up on finding out who's inside here.
Okay?
Jeremy.
- Jeremy, you're amazing! - Oh God, I think you're amazing.
- Oh my God, don't ever leave me. - Ever.
Good! 'Cause I'd find you.
Yeah.
Of course like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.
I had hundreds and hundreds and all of them from different backgrounds
who spoke different languages. And one of them, whose name was Caleb,
he spoke a magical language that only I could understand.
Get him all patched up?
I sure did, Daddy.
Gloria bug.
You go change for dinner.
Okay.
You know, she's not just another notch on the old belt.
I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.
I'm a very powerful man.
Yes, you are.
See you for dinner.
So, I am President of the Environment Defense League.
And I pick up this little sea otter...
...and... and... and... wipe off the oil from the tanker spill.
All right, you gotta step this up already. I'm gonna give you
- the damn eyedrops. - No, I don't want 'em.
- It's too hardcore. - Well, do you want to be alone
- with her or not? - Yes.
Put a few of these in his drink and he'll be going down on toilet seat
- for the next 24 hours. - I don't want to do it.
I can beat this guy. Let's be honorable for once.
And the whiskers.
And the oil's... the oil's flapping, he goes...
- Give me the eyedrops. - Thank you.
Perfect.
Let us bow our heads in prayer.
Heavenly Father,
we thank You for Thy bounty on this table
and ask that You bless the entire Cleary family
and all the friends here assembled.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic. - I, uh... I bought them from
an organic scallop farm right off the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.
Actually, Sack got the Governor to subsidize part of the project.
And now it's the state's only self-sustaining scallop farm.
Say that five times, fast. You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
They actually look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some
when I get the sensation back in my face
- from the, uh... football game. - Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.
I just, you know, I have this damn competitive streak.
Um... I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town,
I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist
about what you did to my back. And not just any orthopedist,
I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein who specializes in...
Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?
Claire and I? Um, what's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?
Three and a half.
Yeah, um, actually, we started dating while we were doing
- Habitat for Humanity. - Sure.
Pretty soon... we'll be getting married.
Yep.
Well, not too soon, um...
We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.
Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot,
two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges,
- will finally unite. - Hear, hear.
And then of course, you can challenge the Klingons
for interstellar domination, right?
Jeremy...
I saw you on the dance floor.
You move pretty good.
Oh. Thanks a lot.
L... really just got lucky.
I was more in the zone than anything else.
It was the booze dancing.
Sorry guys, I forgot.
How are you guys connected to the family again?
Uncle Ned's kids.
You know... Uncle Ned?
Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.
Hmm. No, I don't know.
So, Jeremy,
you and your brother are venture capitalists.
- That's right. - That's great.
Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.
- It's the new pioneer. - New pioneer.
So is it just about the money?
No no, it's about,
investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Well, like what? Give me an example.
Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the...
the fur or the wool from sheep
and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew.
And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew
then, um...
make some shirts and pants
for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
- People... people helping people. - Yeah.
That's... that's very admirable.
Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet.
We do turn a small profit.
After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
lap dances for the big guy here.
Oh!
He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
What's this, uh, company called?
- Holy sh... - Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.
It's a little corny and obvious,
but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Well, that's a hell of a good project.
I'm gonna mention something to the Commerce Secretary.
That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?
Terrific, it was terrific.
Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?
- Mommy. - You know, Willy's father, my husband
was the Secretary of State
for President Franklin Roosevelt.
That must have been so thrilling... FDR.
My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.
He was a doll.
The wife, though, Eleanor...
- big dyke! - Oh Lord.
Huge dyke! A real rug muncher!
Looked like a big lesbian mule.
Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.
Somebody... somebody get me another Scotch for Christ sakes!
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Honey, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
- Okay. - You all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.
I know.
Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.
- I don't eat meat or fish. - He's a homo.
Mommy, let's not go there again.
Actually, um, Todd is an amazing painter.
He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd.
That's really impressive, "Rizdee."
Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think I'd be a political liability,
you know, in case he ever ran for President.
Now, Todd! Actually, truth be told,
polling shows a majority of the American people
would ultimately empathize with our situation.
- What is our situation, Dad?! - You're a homo.
Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.
Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.
I can do it myself, asshole.
Wow.
I'll be in my room painting.
Homo things.
You just go right ahead, Toddy.
- Mmm, wonderful scallops. - Absolutely. Wonderful.
You know, um...
I think I'm gonna get some air.
Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.
- Sure. - Let me just change my shoes.
- Excuse me. - All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away
from the delicious food that we got here.